surrogates.

Ways to kill time are a valuable resource in the lab. It's like some sort of reality show. Who can stay the least bored using only a computer, a desk chair, and your school books? We'll throw in a stapler for good measure.

You'd think with the internet I'd never get bored, but everyone on my buddy list is either in class or having a stubbornness contest with me to see who will message the other first. Most likely, they don't know such a contest is going on. I always lose.

I have the world wide web at my fingertips, but even that gets old. That's right, I said it. And the limited gaming possibilities on this machine are, well, limited.

One of the things I've taken to doing are looking at journals. I'm always looking for a new journal to add to the list of two or three that I read daily, or semi-daily depending on just how bored I really am. I play some sort of six degrees game, where I read one, then pick one on their list of links to read and proceed onward.

It was like this when I happened across the surrogate moms journals. Notice the plural of "mom", I did not misuse it. They all had something like "surro" followed by angel or mom or something as their journal title. I read a couple, and they used abbreviations for common phrases like "home pregnancy test", "birth control pill" and a couple others that I could never decipher. They talked about their bodily fluids and how a cervix looks when it's holding a baby back. I paused to think about what a pregnant cervix would look like. I might have giggled.

Surrogate motherhood is an interesting concept to me. These women, I think they might do it for a living, or at least as a supplement to their living. They just have babies for other people. I guess they're selling usage of their bodies if you look at it in a completely capitalist way. But I don't think you could do it just for money. Because really, I'm sitting at a computer for six bucks an hour, and I don't have to deal with swollen ankles. I'd imagine it would make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, as well as bloated, to do an incredibly nice thing like that. Nice isn't even the word.

I was asked to be a surrogate once. I know a couple in their late twenties/early thirties. The woman has always had health problems, and it's no surprise to anyone that's met her that she wouldn't be able to bear children. She asked me once to be a surrogate. She asked it jokingly, but I think if I had been willing, she would have jumped at it. Maybe she was feeling me out. I'm young and healthy, and really, have you seen my hips? These hips were made to shoot out babies. I think I played it off as a joke, because it took me by total surprise and I was a little uncomfortable. I've always thought about having my own children; having someone else's never really occurred to me.

How do they do it? How do they let something grow inside of their bodies for nine months and then give it away? How do they see a tiny body come out and then say, "Okay, it's yours now. Here's my bill." Don't they want to just sneak off, have it quietly, then run away to Mexico and name it Jose? Even though the baby isn't theirs by blood, you'd still feel attachment for a nine month passenger. And I'm sure many surrogage moms work out some sort of way to visit the kids. But it's not the same.

I fear my tone may be mocking, when that is nowhere near my feelings for people that can become surrogates. I am in awe. I think maybe if I were completely unattached, not in college and a few years older, I'd seriously consider this. Or maybe it would be better if I had already gotten all of my own personal uterus usage out of the way, particularly since most parents would want a tested reproductive system. But I don't know if I could handle it. I've never had the oppotunity to test my baby equipment, but assuming it's fine, then I could be pregnant and I could pop that baby right out, but could I give it up?

I was reading one of these journals last night, starting at the beginning and just reading the whole story. I read for at least half an hour and I still didn't get to the part where the woman was even pregnant. There's lots of paperwork and attornies and legal stuff behind all this, and it's really no surprise. It's expensive to buy a baby. There was some drama, since the woman's mother didn't want her daughter having other people's babies. There's so much more to think about than I would have originally dreamed of.

There is no need for you to have concern. I can be flaky about things I want to do; last month I wanted to join the Peace Corps and every time I hear a boring sermon I convince myself to join the seminary so I can do better than this. I resent the fact that I don't have time to live all the lives I want to live, all the lives I think I could do something with.

So it's doubtful that I'll ever travel down the path of surrogate motherhood. The only way it would happen would probably be through some friends, very very very close friends. I can't imagine myself filling out an application for my reproductive system and sending it to a service. And if it happened that I couldn't have children for whatever reason, I'm not even sure that hiring a surrogate would be something I would want. Maybe it would be just as well that I didn't further these genes anyway.

Anyway, it got me thinking about something I'd never really considered before other than right after I see previews for the TV movie about the surrogate mom from hell. Just thought I'd share some thoughts on it.

Plus, I like a good opportunity to scare the living daylights out of my mother.