what the old people don't want you to know.

During this, the grand week of midterms for college students everywhere, I wish to offer my tried and true test-taking strategies. I realize that these sorts of articles are ubiquitous nowadays in this era of standardized tests, but those articles are full of tips suggested by old people who have only their eye examinations to take every year. The student of an institution of higher learning is not so lucky. It is not uncommon for such a student to have four or five exams in this very week alone. Midterms, they call them, as well as a variety of other more colorful names.

I am such a student. I have taken the standardized tests, the essay tests, the ridiculously difficult take-home exams, the multiple-choice trick question tests, the perilous true-false tests, the four-question tests, and the hand-cramping short-answer with not enough room to write tests. I have taken them all and lived to write an authoritative article about it in a snobby tone.

And I have read the articles by the other, less-qualified writers who think they know what testing is all about. I have tried their tips, have kept the ones I thought useful, threw out the ones I did not. Here is a list of the ones I keep in my repetoire for my own test-taking use, compiled from the lists of others with a couple of my own thrown in the mix.

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Study - I'm sorry. I know that the title "Test-Taking Strategies" means to you "How You Can Magically Ace an Exam Without Actually Knowing the Material". I know, because that's why I read those sorts of articles too. This tip is never on those other lists, because those old people don't understand the college student mind. They assume you are going to do that anyway, even that you will be doing it well in advance of the test date. Silly old people.

But study what you need to study. Old people also have the misconception that every test deserves the same kind of mental attention, which is absolute crap. I've taken tests where the class was a breeze anyway, but I was allowed to bring in a cheat sheet of notes, on which I could fit all my notes from the semester if I wrote only reasonably small. Some tests don't need that much studying. And then there are some that if you studied for thirteen years before the test, you would never be ready. As a seasoned student, you can tell the difference by now. This may be a little difficult to gauge if it is the first exam you've had in a specific class or with a specific teacher, but after you get a feel for that teacher's exams, you can pretty much tell how much preparation you need.

I find that studying is an individual thing, meaning how you best do it is likely to be different from mine. There are strategy articles for that, too, and they all tell you to sit at a desk with good posture away from distractions except for maybe a small study group of focused, intelligent people from two-parent homes. I'm terrible at studying with other people, I slouch with my lap desk while listening to music I don't know the words to to keep myself from singing. So, you know, whatever floats your boat.

Look Good - Seems a little silly, I know. But if you wear something that you think makes you look studly, or at least as close as you personally get to studly, you will feel better about yourself. It's a little ego-booster trick that you play on yourself. Obviously, try to make it something you feel comfortable in as well, as a lack of blood circulation won't do much for your stress levels. Will you look so good that the teacher will swoon and give you bonus stud points? Couldn't hurt to try.

Wake up Early - And in the name of all that is holy, don't oversleep. Wake up with enough time to leisurely shower, eat, get ready, maybe look at your notes a little, do whatever it is you do. This tip will help you feel more prepared, even if you're not, because at least you had time to do your morning routine. That feeling of being rushed in the morning will only carry over to your exam, and that kind of heart-pumping, sweaty state is not what you need.

Don't Eat Breakfast - Oh, I know this is a shock to you. Every single test-taking strategy guide you have ever read screams at you from the very beginning to eat your Wheaties, to eat so much Wheaties that their stock goes up. And this is another place where old people just don't understand. Many students do not eat breakfast on a regular basis. If you are one of those students, eating a big breakfast will make you feel sick and throwing up on your exam is unlikely to yield a high grade. So the rule here is actually not to avoid breakfast, but eat no more nor less than what you usually eat. Maybe have a little something like a candy bar or a glass of orange juice to give you a little energy, but don't go provoking your stomach by going to a breakfast buffet. It can get back at you in ways you would never think of.

On a related note, I think that the good night's sleep other articles are always recommending is along this same vein. I know people that simply do not sleep all that much, and trying to make themselves sleep will only cause unnecessary stress. I say again to do what you normally do, maybe leaning a very little bit on a little extra rest. If you are generally okay on four hours of sleep, eight hours is going to screw you over. Maybe go for five or six. Me, if I can get a good 12 hours the night before, I'm in good shape.

Treat Yourself - I like this trick because it gives me a viable excuse to spend a little extra money on myself, though I haven't quite figured out a way to write it off on my taxes as an educational expense. Somewhere in your daily routine, find a way to give yourself an extra boost, to make yourself think that it's a good day. Since I generally have coffee in the morning, on test-taking mornings, I have gourmet coffee from an actual coffeeshop instead of brewing it myself. Maybe have a slice of pie at lunch for afternoon tests. Spoil yourself, reward yourself in advance for the grueling ordeal you are about to experience.

Practice Superstitions - Not because they will actually put thoughts into your head that were not there before, but for the psychological advantage. Notice that a lot of my tips are psychological, because I think that feeling good about what you're about to do is half the battle. Well, maybe just a tenth of the battle, but ten points is the difference between letter grades. So have a favorite pencil, wear lucky socks, do a lucky irish jig before class, whatever gives you the idea that not only did you study, you've got some other forces smiling down upon you as well.

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There you have it, the only guide to test-taking written by someone who has not only been there, but actually is there right now. But I've wasted enough of your time. Go now, and use this newly discovered wisdom to skip breakfast and wear sexy clothes to school to better your GPA. You're ready. Besides, I have a midterm tomorrow, and I have not done nearly enough slouching with my lap desk.