just beachy this time.

I understand, perhaps only on an intellectual level, that some people have crappy families. I know several people who have seriously awful relatives. I mean, everyone's got a bank robber uncle somewhere along the line, but I'm talking about those who have actual people in their house living with them, sharing their blood, and being blights upon the human existence. Yes, fine, I understand that. That idea computes.

I do not understand family disloyalty. This fact indicates that while I comprehend that the rotten relative situation exists, I've not really experienced it to the point of saying to a person outside my family that my sister/brother/mother/father is a jerk/loser/waste of oxygen/overall bad person. And when people say those sorts of things about family members, I'm always sort of shocked and embarrassed, like I've stumbled onto some family secret that I should not be privy to. Then, rather than think bad things about the offending family member, I think terrible things about the person dissing the family member.

I met this kid at church, and by kid, I mean three years younger than I am (but I consider the years between 19 and 22 to be quite formative). He hated his family. He would say something negative about his parents, his brother, his third cousin eight times removed to anyone who would listen. And I kind of passed the guy off as someone who was just immature, who didn't have any kind of perspective of the points of view of others. And that is unfair. It was quite possible that his kin are just lousy human beings. I know that there are crummy people out there, so why don't I realize that they have relatives who might agree with that assessment?

I lucked out in that my family members are pretty good people. They are nice and considerate, and sometimes they really piss me off, but that's it. The most insulting thing you could get out of that would be that sometimes we clash, which is only natural when you combine people who are irritated by the character flaws they share.

Slander against my family isn't even allowed when I'm complaining about them. Even if I've been ranting and crying for hours about how my brother drives me absolutely nuts and how he is quite possibly evil incarnate, the proper response is to be sympathetic without judging. You say stuff like "That was unfair of him" or "You have every right to be upset with him." The minute you agree with me and go, "Yeah, what a contemptible person," then I start complaining to my contemptible brother about you.

I know a couple guys who are good friends. One guy has a sister who apparently sucks at the art of being someone that anyone would ever want to associate with. Anytime this guy ever brings up his sister, no matter what he says about her, be it that she's moving or she got a new car or that she's been volunteering at the orphanage, after the inital conversation is over, the friend goes, "Man, she's a bitch." And the guy goes, "Yeah." I've heard variations of this conversation several times, and I'm floored every time. I've never met this chick, and all signs seem to say that she is, in fact, a bitch. I might think my sister is a bitch, and I might even say it to someone that I really, really trusted. More likely, I would say, "My sister was kinda bitchy today," or something else noncommittal and temporary-sounding. And I would be very upset if a friend called my sister anything negative. Even if I said "My sister was kinda bitchy today" every single day of my life, she is my bitchy sister, so please keep your opinions to yourself.

Of course, that is the issue. I have every right to judge my family. They are mine. An outsider has not had the full experience of my family. An outsider is coming to the table without enough information to pass judgment. An outsider does not remember that time that my contemptible brother and my bitchy sister built that fort in the woods with me.

I realize that I'm being unfair and showing a severe lack of perspective. I've just rubbed it in everyone's face that my family is great and then scolded anyone for not having a similar situation. But that was the point, really, just for me to say, "I'm sorry, but I don't get it." So call me a bitch if you must. Just don't say it around my family.

Note: The author would like to stress that she neither has a bitchy sister nor a contemptible brother. For any sisters or brothers reading and still not believing, just assume it's one of the other ones.