none of my business.

Dear Wells Fargo,

I have noticed that you want my business. Technically, we already do business, as you are the holder of my mortgage. So every month, I send you some money to pay off a giant loan, and you agree to not take away my house. I do this through your website. Every time I sign on to your website, I have to decline an offer of some kind or another. It's usually for a credit card with points, I think. I don't really read the offer, because I'm pretty sure I don't want it. Maybe that's close-minded of me.

Last year, I got married. Thank you for your congratulations. I finally got around to changing my name last month, and I did my due diligance and went to one of your branch offices to change my name on the mortgage. Upon entering the building, I was immediately greeted on both sides by friendly and helpful employees. See, Wells Fargo wants my business.

I was not trying to do any business that day, really. I just wanted to change my name. I decided to do it in person, because otherwise I would have had to fax in my marriage certificate, and I use the fax machine so rarely at my office that I have to ask someone how to use it each and every time. It's sort of embarrassing, really, so I thought a face-to-face meeting would be quicker and easier for everyone.

The process of changing a name on a Wells Fargo Mortgage account was pretty simple. I provided my ID and my marriage certificate, just like I did at the credit union and the DMV. However, your agent wanted my business. She really, really wanted my business. She asked me if I was interested in opening a checking account today.

"No, thank you, I have a bank that I am happy with."

"Yes, but most people use multiple banks."

"Really?" No, really? Is this true? Why do they do that? I find it baffling. Maybe they have two crappy banks and it adds up to one okay bank. They should just get a good bank, like the credit union.

"Yes, and with a Wells Fargo checking account, you can easily pay your mortgage."

"I am already able to pay my mortgage." Obviously, or you would've taken my house away already.

"You can even set up your direct deposit so that you can have a percentage of your paycheck deposited here and then the rest at your credit union."

"I don't really have a need for that." I'm still wondering about those two-bank people and their split direct deposits. What is the possible advantage of this? Why would I want to deal with two banks? It sounds like double the hassle. Just think if you had to change your name at each one!

"Well, you came here for your mortgage, though. You could have gone to the credit union, but you came here."

"No, Wells Fargo bought my mortgage." HA!

"Oh, well you can still have a checking account here. And because you already have a mortgage account, we waive the fees!"

"No, thank you."

This went on a while, with her pausing every once in a while in her sales onslaught to do something on the computer that had to do with my name change. Finally, finally, I escaped the clutches of your employee, though not before being given a brochure and being told that I should return soon to begin my banking relationship with Wells Fargo. I was fairly irritated by this point. I spent the whole drive home arguing with the sales lady and thinking up witty comebacks that I could write on my blog and pretend that I actually said. I really stuck it to you, Wells Fargo.

The next day, I received a call from an unfamiliar number and let it go to voicemail. It was your friend and mine, the woman who apparently gets commission on checking accounts. She mentioned how it was good to see me and reiterated that we really ought to get together to start my banking relationship. She also mentioned that I should probably double-check my next month's statement to make sure the name change went through.

A day after that, I got an email, asking if I would be willing to take a survey about my recent experience in one of your branch locations. Would I! However, the survey was a bunch of questions about whether the person I talked to made me feel as if Wells Fargo wanted my business. And well, I had to rate her highly on that point. I got the impression that the employee would hunt my business down in the jungle. It's too bad you did not ask me whether the visit left me with a good impression of your organization (1: strongly disagree) or whether I would tell my friends and family what a frustrating time I had there (5: strongly agree). But I guess this tactic must work out for you, because of all the people out there who are bullied into having multiple banks because they just want to make a stupid name change on their mortgage.

The next month, I followed the lady's advice and checked my latest statement to make sure that my new name was reflected. I was surprised to find that I had a new name, but it was the wrong one. Somehow, you'd replaced my middle name with my new last name, Sandra LastName MaidenName. So you badgered me about opening a checking account I did not need or want, and then failed to do the one bit of customer service I came in for. You know, my husband is a cynical fellow, and he says that the sales lady botched the name on purpose so that I'd have to come back. I, however, think the more likely culprit is your company's overall incompetence, coupled with a focus on profits rather than customer service. But it's possible your employees are petty and underhanded, too.

I, for one, can't wait to pay off my mortgage and never have to deal with you again. For now, I will just have to go to your office and change my name again. I think I'll go to a different office this time.

Your disgruntled customer,

Sandra LastName MaidenName