i'm great, and i need a job.

As you may not know but will now, I am graduating from college very soon. Like December soon. Like a little more than two months, and oh my goodness what am I going to do with the rest of my life, soon. And then, real life will begin.

So I have to get a real job. Well, I don't have to, but it would be nice to have something to show for all that education. You might be surprised to find that I don't want to wait tables for the rest of my life.

I made a resume. It's very professional and formal and I'm sure it's all wrong. But no one has looked at it and laughed yet, so I'm not worried about it. I've handed it out at a couple of job fairs, and I've sent it to a couple of companies. I've had the resume for a good six months, and I guess that's long enough to get used to the idea that it might not be completely wrong. Today, I made my first cover letter, and I'm sure it's all wrong.

For one thing, I realized that I had no idea how to write a formal letter. I know I learned it somewhere, but when I thought about it, I realized that somewhere was middle school typing class. Why do they teach it then? Who are these 12-year olds corresponding with that require such strict guidelines? I had a pen-pal then, but I never greeted her with a "Dear Madam:" and I'm pretty sure that I used to draw smiley faces at the bottom.

I had to look up the format and syntax rules of cover letters, like where to put your address and the date, how to close it and all that mess. But once I got the address, date, and signature down, I was still left with the task of actually writing the letter. I had to look that up, too.

I don't like the idea of cover letters. The template seems to be 1.) Dear Mr. Personnel Guy:, 2.) I am great, and I need a job, and 3.) Here's my resume! There is more stuff in the middle, but it's all just crap, and if I were an employer, I wouldn't read it. I hate things that are widely known to be a crock of bull, but exist only to see who can make themselves sound the most qualified when they are not. I despise it, but if nothing else, I have learned that sometimes you have to play the game to get anywhere. So I wrote my stupid cover letter that said that I was great and that I needed a job.

But I think that we should all write honest cover letters from now on. I think this should be the new format:

Hiya,

I'm in the market for employment, and it seems to me that you are in the market for employees. If you're not, I don't mind taking the place of your slackest worker. I'm pretty sure I'm at least better than that loser.

I have a degree and experience, which you will know as soon as you check out the attached resume. Like the layout? I picked it out of Microsoft Publisher, but I did the color and font scheme on my own.

Here are some things that aren't on the resume. You may not notice right off, but I'm female, and you know as well as I that there are not enough chicks in this field, and there probably aren't that many in your office. Feel free to use me to fill any employment quotas you may have hanging over your head. Also, I think a female computer scientist will boost the morale of all those single men you have working for you. Don't worry, my skirts aren't short enough to be distracting.

I will be more than happy to lead or follow. I can work well under incompetant leadership without even grumbling that I could do it better. Or, I would be willing to be at the head of a team, and I can be as incompetant as you need.

I'm punctual, kind of anal-retentive with my attention to detail, and I can pour from two coffee pots into two mugs at once without spilling. I'm an achiever, so I get the job done, but not an over-achiever, because those guys are annoying.

I'd love an interview, partly because I want the job, and also I just like the opportunity to dress up in my new suit. Gotta tell ya, I look pretty cute. Also professional and intelligent, but mostly cute.

I await your reply with bated breath.

Sincerely yours,

Sandra

Seriously, wouldn't you want to hire me right away? That's what I thought.