the color of loneliness.

I had to make apology granola bars when Josh went on tour in February, because I was a big baby. He was gone for four long weeks, which included four Saturdays of making my own pizzas. I also bought a house during that time, which was a little lonely in that I couldn't share my excitement with him. But I survived, partially in thanks to the move, which kept me busy.

I had just gotten used to having him around again, when one of his bandmates mentioned the next tour in my presence. This is the worst possible way to get bad news - have someone else speak about it as if it's common knowledge. Then you have to act like you knew all about it, when you really want to yell out "STOP THE PRESSES!" and start interrogating everyone in the room. I never get to use my interrogation lamp anymore.

As soon as I found out about the second tour, which promised to eat up six whole weeks of summer, I could feel my lower lip start to push out, as if the Spirit of Whining and Pouting had flown in and settled on my shoulder, whispering to me that other girlfriends didn't have to deal with this, that the band wasn't even thinking of my Saturday pizza needs. I went into a funk, and it lasted the rest of the day, while I took the opportunity to badger Josh for information about this new tour. I was writing nasty things in my journal when I realized that I had already gone through this, had already apologized and publicly denounced this sort of behavior in myself.

Being a better person is hard.

I was glad to find out that once I noticed the Spirit of Whining and Pouting sitting on my shoulder, I was successfully able to shoo him away. And except for that one day, I have been a supportive girlfriend. I made granola bars again, but they were individually-wrapped love packages, instead apologies for weeks of immaturity.

I do not have a major property purchase or move to distract me this time, so I'm painting. The previous owners of my house were apparently the kind of people who were really into beige. They surrounded themselves with it. I bet they high-fived each other every so often and went, "Beige, oh yeah!" It's a beautiful house with lots of character, even with such blah coloring, but I'm planning on taking its character to new heights. I'm sure it's thinking, finally, an owner with some personality. Because it's not just weirdos who seek out houses with "character." Deep inside, those houses are calling out to the weirdos.

If I were the poetic sort, I could say that I was painting my house with my loneliness. But I saw a paint chip for Loneliness, and to be honest, it's kinda boring. I was thinking more of using Quiet Comfort or Snuggliness or Excited About This Great Thing I Found at a Yard Sale, Check It Out. I will not be using Whiny or Pouty or Not Learning My Lesson, because I am a better person. I hope to get the pout period down to a few hours next time, rather than a whole day.

You should click on the picture to see the enlarged version, because I spent like fifteen minutes on it.