not a movie review: high school confidential.

I know that very few, if any, of you understand my enjoyment of bad movies. That's okay. I don't need your validation, as long as you still like me. You do like me, don't you?

There are many types of bad movies. It's not all giant leeches or homicidal organ players. Sometimes bad movies are based on popular trends. They're quickly and badly made, hoping to capitalize on something before it goes out of style. And that's how you end up with disco movies in the 70s and break-dancing movies in the 80s. In the 50s, we got beatnik movies.

Just so you know, beatniks in these movies don't really have much to do with the actual Beats. Beatniks wear black turtlenecks and talk back to their parents and think that's the same thing as leaving a comfortable lifestyle to hitchhike across the country and pick cotton for a living. Basically, there were people who were Beats, who were interested in the kind of wisdom you can gain from having nothing and associating with others who had nothing. Advertisers took advantage of other people thinking that was cool. You too could be Kerouac, just buy our clothes. Somewhere in there, the point was lost. If you are interested in the actual Beat movement, maybe start here, which compares the beatnik fad to what the Beats were actually going for. Me, I just want to tell you about this movie I watched.

Now, High School Confidential! is not a good movie. But it's not a bad one, either. I did actually care about what was happening, which is not something that occurs with the bad ones. You can tell you're watching a crappy movie when you're fifteen minutes from the end and you could care less if the hero wins; in fact, sometimes you actually want the hero to lose. But here, I want the hero to win, even though I'm not really sure which side he is on until the very end. Another sign of a not-bad movie - I can't predict what's going to happen. Our hero here is played by Russ Tamblyn, who will ever hold a special place in my heart for playing Gideon, the youngest brother in Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. He is a Bad Kid. He threatens the high school principal with a knife, sells drugs, and double-parks. Isn't he cute, though?

This movie is like a better and less known version of Reefer Madness. Have you seen Reefer Madness? It's a propoganda movie made to scare kids away from pot. It tells you that pot will make you rob banks and participate in orgies if you are even in the same room with it. It's famous for being over the top, so famous that someone recently made a musical version of it. This movie only shows a girl writhing on the floor in agony because she really wants a joint. I've never known anyone to do that, but it seems much more likely than orgies. The movie also tells us that "41% of high school kids are addicted to marijuana or heroin." The movie lures us in with its beatniks, who are obviously cool, but then it comes in and tells us not to get addicted to marijuana or heroin. Is cocaine okay? I just don't know. The beatniks didn't say anything about that, although I heard once that 53% of high school kids are addicted to caffeine or crack.

The big deal with beatnik movies seems to be the problem with authority, which we have with our hero, the Bad Kid, and the slang. Oh my, the slang. I mean, there are berets and coffee bars and poetry slams, but it's really all about the slang. There is one absolutely fantastic scene in this movie, where a student tells the story of Christopher Columbus in slang. It's marvelous. Is it accurate slang? I have no idea. But it sure sounds cool to me.

And there is the obligatory poetry scene. It is not as good. In fact, the poem is really terrible. I was sure it was terrible, but I'm not good at poetry, so I asked Josh, who confirmed that it was indeed terrible. Had he told me it was really well-written and interesting, I would have lost all hope of ever getting poetry.

My favorite line: "What is truth?" Makes me laugh every time. Maybe the poem is meant to be bad, so show the teens that if you become a beatnik, you will write really crappy poems. Stay away from marijuana and heroin, kids.

This movie also features Mamie van Doren, another common star of bad movies (Girls' Town). Mamie van Doren fun fact: her stage name was inspired by Mamie Eisenhower and the very literary van Doren family. Jerry Lee Lewis is in it briefly, playing the piano from the back of a pickup. Why? Because he owed somebody a favor, I guess. Also, Jackie Coogan, John Drew Barrymore, and Michael Landon. Star-studded indeed!

If you have any tolerance at all for bad movies, I recommend High School Confidential!. Don't judge it by the poetry.