cop out.

I used to have a job that yielded many interesting blog-worthy stories. Now I do not, but I get paid a lot more, so I guess I could buy interesting people to tell me stories. Not that computer programming is not interesting - don't get me started on the day we realized that the USB DLA would cause the Dundas Gauges to crash on the Humvee project! Hooo boy.

But anyway, today, some waiter stories with a theme of stupid customers.

This tastes like sour cream and dill
Customers do not listen to waiters. You say we're out of ranch dressing, that is what they will order. You say the coffee is brewing, they ask why you didn't bring their coffee. We had a special at The Bistro once, a salmon special. We had these long, flowing descriptions of the specials there that made everything sound like it was something served in Eden. The special that night was salmon, baked with sour cream and dill. Shall I say it again? Salmon, baked with SOUR CREAM and DILL. The man at the table, hearing this fine description of salmon, ordered it. Fine, dandy, I put in the order and brought it out when it was ready. I come back to check after a minute to make sure everyone was happy. The man clearly was not so. He was poking at the salmon, looking uncomfortable. I asked if there was a problem, and he said disdainfully, "This tastes like sour cream and dill."

A side of bacon
I had a couple eat for breakfast once, and the man was parking the car while the woman sat and had some coffee and looked over the menu. She was asking all sorts of questions, ones that could be answered by reading the menu, but I was used to that. Literacy is wasted on some people. Anyway, after a slew of questions, she asks me, "Could you tell me about the side of bacon?" I don't remember what I told her, probably that it was three strips or something like that. She responds with "Does anything come with that?" I spent the rest of the day coming up with responses to that question, like "grease," "a fork," and "a convertible." What comes with a side of bacon, honestly.

The traditional food of Independence Day
I made a lot of jokes with my customers. They were not always successful - for instance, apparently not everyone knows who Jackson Pollock is, so they don't know why I think the plate presentation resembles one of his paintings. Blank stares all around. But I had a woman order a reuben once on the Fourth of July. It struck me as funny, eating this very German/Jewish sandwich on the Fourth, so I joked, "You know, that is the traditional dish of Independence Day." She looks up at me with wonder, nods, and says, "Oh really? I didn't know that." After that, I had to go along with it so I wouldn't make her look stupid. Sure, it's the most American corned beef with sauerkraut sandwich on rye bread ever. Actually, right after Washington signed the Declaration, history notes that he leaned in to Jefferson and whispered, "Man, I could go for a reuben." Silly woman.