brilliant brunette.

I want you to be honest with me here. Whatever you say, it's not going to hurt my feelings, okay? I think we have that kind of relationship where I can ask you a question about my appearance and you can tell me the honest-to-God truth and it's cool, you know? I mean, if I can't take the truth, then it's my own fault for asking for it, so you really can't be to blame. I'm not going to get mad. Really.

Does my hair look browner today?

There are a lot of shampoos out there. I have never been convinced that one shampoo is any better than any other, at least not for the price you pay. I'm sure there's something out there that costs $50 for four ounces and is made of ground-up peacock bones, but I tend to buy whatever is on sale and smells nice. I pay an extra fifty cents for the smells-nice factor, because I can tell the difference. I like to get free samples of the more expensive ones to try them for special occasions and to reaffirm my belief that I'm not missing anything by buying sub-buck hair products.

I got one in the mail yesterday and used it today, even though today is not a special occasion. These samples are always new products that have some sort of gimmick, whether it be volumizing or strengthening or revitalizing, whatever that means in terms of hair. This one is made to make brown hair more brown. When I signed up for the free sample, I remember picking out my hair color, so there aren't poor blondes out there receiving shampoo to turn their hair brown. My sample included a Shine Release shampoo, a Light Reflecting conditioner, and a Shine Shock glosser, which I think I used incorrectly. I particularly like the idea of the Shine Release shampoo, as if there is a treasure trove of shininess hiding within each individual strand of hair, but it's trapped and has to be set free. The Light Reflecting conditioner seems kinda weird. It apparently makes my hair reflective, which seems to be the same thing as making it shiny. Maybe it contains ground-up glass or something.

The idea is solid. This gimmick is a good one because it's not been done before (that I know of, but I'm really not an expert in the field), and because it's going to appeal to women. It says, "You are beautiful already, and if you had one flaw, it would be that there just isn't enough of the natural you shining through. Release your inner beauty." Of course, releasing your inner hair color just seems to mean to make your hair shiny, which has been done before. Luckily, people are stupid.

My hair is brown. I'm not sure how you could make it any browner, so I think maybe the idea is to make hair go from plain old brown to BROWN!. The series of products is called "Brilliant Brunette," which I can only assume means that your hair will become exciting, not that you will become smarter. I might pay extra for shampoo that did that.

But you have to think that the makers of this shampoo only made a brunette version because they couldn't go excluding half of their market. Even the picture on the package shows a girl with the reddest brown hair you could still call brown. Brunettes are the smart ones in the jokes because they don't get anything else - it's assumed they're staying at home studying every night instead of going out on dates. Brown is the color of mud, of rat hair, of animal waste. Even when it's shiny, then it's just the color of fresh animal waste.

Or maybe the makers of these products thought of them because of brunettes. Hmm, they said, we need a group of sensible women who think secretly that they are a little drab but who are too practical or proud to dye their hair to some exciting color. Hey! Brunettes! Let's make their hair shiny! What if we just smeared fresh animal waste in their hair? Yeah, good idea! But make it smell like coconuts.

My hair does smell like coconuts. It also seems softer. But BROWN! doesn't look that much different from brown - maybe the stuff doesn't work in fluorescent light. In which case, the thing is a bust anyway, because those are the kind of lights used at the library, and that's where all the brunettes are anyway.