no adam.

I had to give a speech once to an association of public school teachers to thank them for a scholarship. Another guy was giving a speech, too, for the same reason. We were supposed to go tell all those nice teachers what we had learned in our first year of college, one that had been partially paid for by all those smiling women. The other guy talked a lot about tutoring underprivileged children. My speech was basically a compilation of light-hearted tips that most anyone who has been through college can relate to. Okay, fine, I didn't tutor any underprivileged children, but my speech was more interesting.

One of my tips was this: Guys will walk dogs around campus to pick up girls. I fall for it every time.

So while I told all those ladies that I learned this in college, I continue to fall for it five years later. I try really hard not to, because I don't want to encourage those guys who think all they need for a free chick is a puppy. But, man, puppies are cute. There must be something deep within women that makes us weak to cuddly creatures. In fact, I think it goes all the way back to creation. There's that whole legend about Lilith, Adam's first wife, who got herself liberated and left him standing in the Garden. So when God made Eve, He wanted to avoid that whole mess, so He gave Adam one of those really squishy, wrinkly puppies to hold when Eve woke up, and the rest is history.

Or something like that.

Last night, a guy was walking a dog outside my apartment. It was not a squishy, wrinkly puppy, it was an enormous, beautiful mammoth of a dog, a Great Dane. I'm coming to realize that when things are named as "Great," it's not an exaggeration. This dog's shoulders came up to my hip. His head came up to my chest, which made it much easier for him to smell my breasts. I knew they were big dogs, but I'd never seen one in person. I realized then that Scooby Doo is drawn to scale, rather than just being a cartoonish exaggeration. I think the Great Dane might have been God's prototype for the horse.

I'd seen the dog before around the apartment complex, and I always really wanted to go up and pet it and admire the massive creature up close. But I always fought the urge, because I did not want to be picked up. But the dog was right outside, it was even in my path to the mailbox. I had to pet the dog. I was a little intimidated, but the animal was indeed a sweetheart, wagging his tail and sniffing me as his new friend.

My new friend's name is Marvin.

But I kept the visit short, because I still did not want to encourage the dog's owner, who was about my age and looked like the type of person who would use a pet to attract female attention. Yes, you have a very interesting and gorgeous and sweet-natured dog, but that does not necessarily indicate anything about you, so I'll be moving on now. So I went on to my mailbox, leaving them behind.

On the way back from the mailbox, I ran into them again. In fact, it appears they had followed me about halfway to the mail center. The owner explained, "He must like you - he followed you all the way up here!"

Right.

I pet Marvin some more - he really did have soft fur - and then moved on again. It was an effort to do so. I was fighting thousands of years of genetics, I was fighting my own pair of X chromosomes, but I did it. Like I said, it was hard, because I'm no Lilith. Then again, that dude was no Adam.