bela lugosi meets a brooklyn gorilla.

"So, seen any good movies lately?"

The question is put to me by Todd, who is sitting next to me at an employee lunch. The other half a dozen people present are talking about their children and the various stages of baby poop. Neither Todd nor I have children, and though someday baby poop might be an interesting conversational topic for us someday, today is not that day.

"Actually, no. I have seen no good movies lately." The answer takes both of us aback, but it's the total truth. In fact, I have seen nothing but absolutely wretched movies lately. I don't mean your regular bad movies, like where the acting is sub-par or maybe the script is uninspired. I mean horrendously, awful, terrible movies that show up in lists like "The 50 Worst Movies of All Time" or "Movies Which Make the Eyes Bleed." I've been watching them on purpose, completely aware that they are insults to the medium of film.

See, I've recently discovered Mystery Science Theatre 3000.

Back in college, I heard the really cool kids talking about this show. I'd never seen it, nor did I know what it was, but I knew better than to admit that to those guys. Better just nod along. But now I'm qualified to discuss it at length and even use the very hip nickname MST3K.

For the uninitiated: Have you ever watched a really bad movie with some good friends and the whole experience turned out to be pretty fun, because you just ruthlessly made fun of the movie the whole time? That is the whole concept of this show. Rather than try to keep up or even understand the movie, just make fun of it in any way possible. In a lot of movies, that's better than trying to take the film seriously. MST3K shows a bad movie with the silhouettes of a guy and two robots in the front row. You watch the movie and hear their commentary. And it's hilarious and brilliant.

Josh and I watch this show together. We rent them through Netflix as fast as the mail allows. And while we listen to the comments made by the show, we're making up our own, too. I've come to realize that there are some atrociously bad movies out there. As one of the characters on the show said, "Just when you think you've seen the worst movie ever made, along comes the worst movie ever made."

This show has messed with my mind. I can't watch a movie anymore without making a bunch of smart-aleck comments. What's more, I've developed a special place in my heart for bad movies. I read somewhere that the movie Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla makes Plan 9 From Outer Space (widely regarded as the worst movie ever made) look like Gone with the Wind. I've seen Plan 9. It's ridiculously terrible; at one point, a prop gravestone actually falls over. But I've seen much, much worse. And so my reaction to reading that statement was to immediately go to Netflix and queue up Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla. After I did that, I realized that my logic was completely backward. It's like someone showed me the arsenic, and I excitedly started sprinkling it on my pancakes.

I realized at some point that I seemed to be seeking out the holy grail of crappy flicks, The Worst Movie Ever Made. It wasn't just a matter of wanting to make fun of poor filmmaking, I was actively looking for the one that is the most terrible. That quest begs a lot of questions. Will I know the worst movie when I see it? Is there actually a worst movie ever, seeing as how movies can be bad in so many different ways? Is The Worst Movie Ever Made available on DVD?

So far, in my book the title of Worst Movie Ever Made belongs to Monster A Go-Go. Watch it if you're feeling brave, as it's going to hurt. The promotional poster quotes N.A.S.A as saying "This picture could set our space program back at least fifty years!" I assume that's only if the astronauts saw it, as then their brains would all explode. Maybe it's the Worst Movie Ever Made, and maybe not. I haven't even seen Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla.