bad album covers, now with commentary, part 1.

I've seen lists like this before on various web sites. Ten awful album covers and commentary that is sometimes witty and sometimes not. I find that with this list, I miss the commentary, because it means I have to come up with my own jokes. Even bad jokes are better than thinking in my free time. Then I thought of all the people in the world who aren't funny at all, and how they're struggling right now to think of something funny to say, but all they've got is, "Uh, wow, I mean, that guy's dumb and uh, his hair is really seventies looking. Huh-huh." So here is some commentary, so that the humor-impaired among you can rest your poor unfunny brain. Note that I don't guarantee any of this is funny, but again, it's better than thinking in your free time.

I didn't make this list, and so I'm not responsible for the selection. It doesn't seem to be in any particular order. I will also state that some of these album covers aren't that bad. I mean, they're bad, but it's more of a normal, run-of-the-mill bad as opposed to eye-gougingly bad. In fact, I would like to submit my own entry. I don't have the album cover, because it was one of my ex-boyfriend's and it hardly seems appropriate to ask for it now. But you don't need the cover, only the title: Don Raper's Songs for Women.

There are 50 in this list, so I'll be doing this in installments because most of you probably cannot handle that much cheese. If you're feeling brave (and if the link still works), you can check out the full list.

One last disclaimer: a bad album cover does not necessarily mean a crappy album. But it probably does. Let's begin!

1. Cody Matherson - "Can I Borrow A Feelin?"
Is he asking to borrow one of my emotions or simply to grope me? Looking at ole Cody here, it seems apparent that he made this album for his little wife, Doreen, as a wedding/prom present. Doreen's a lucky lady, and whenever Cody asks if he can borrow a feelin', she says yes.

2. The Many Facets of Roger
It's really too bad that some of Roger's many (i.e. six) facets didn't include shirts which buttoned up all the way. Also, I charge that Facets 3, 4, and 6 (starting at top left corner and going clockwise here) are all saying "Aw, honey, you know you love you some Roger!" Facet 1 would like you to repeat what you just said because he didn't quite catch it, while Facet 5 seems to be wondering what that spot is on the carpet. Facet 2 demands that you take Roger seriously as an artist.

3. Orion Reborn
I think the worst poor decision in the making of this cover (and there were many) was to have one color for the shirt, pants, and background. I suspect it's the exact shade of blue that is used to project the weather map on the background screen for the six o' clock news. Maybe Orion knew a guy at the local TV station and asked to borrow the set for this photo shoot. Then he brought this excellent mask that he bought during his Mardi Gras vacation...in Boise.

4. The Frivolous Five - Sour Cream & Other Delights
"Look at all this sour cream going to waste! And we didn't even buy it on sale! We're so frivolous!" Seriously, I'm totally okay with this one, even though the one in the middle back sort of reminds me of my late Aunt Sally. Some old women wear purple, others wear dairy products. However, given the age of these ladies, I do wonder if maybe this record isn't just a bunch of recipes set to music.

5. Harry and Terry - Live
This list features multiple ventriloquism records, and apparently we're to understand that puppets are silly and tacky and loserly. I do not understand that, and I think puppets are silly in a good way, awesome, and super cool. I do wish that this particular puppet (not sure if it's Harry or Terry) didn't look quite so drunk. Also, let's take a moment and ponder whether a puppet act works on a solely audio medium. It worked for Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy, but then again they were talented and had W.C. Fields to crack jokes on. I fear Harry and Terry are not so lucky.

6. The Handless Organist - Truly a Miracle of God
For a minute, I thought this one was just on the list because it was so old-looking. I misread it as "Handel's Organist" and figured she was playing "The Messiah" or something. Then I did a classic double-take and realized that this woman has no hands. And of course I felt bad for her, showing up on this mean list when she looks so happy and she can play the organ. I can't do that, and I have hands. Marvelous, wonderful hands that I do not thank enough for all they do for me. Thank you, hands!

7. The Stanley Johnson Orchestra - Have Harp Can't Travel
I sorta like this one, though my official opinion depends on whether the actual harpist in the Stanley Johnson Orchestra is a midget or if they're just making fun of midgets. The first idea is actually pretty neat, while the second is overdone. Yeah, ha ha, midgets, they're really short. Next, please.

8. Les Baxter - Space Escapade
Alien women were a big thing in bad movies during a particular time period, I guess comparable to the island of lonely Amazons of Greek epics. I've seen several of this sort of movie, and so maybe I'm becoming immune to it, because this album cover doesn't seem all that bad to me. Cheesy and dated, yes, but so will many things seem in fifty years. I like that the alien women have slinkies on their heads, perhaps signifying that they too go down stairs, alone or in pairs.

9. Music for Bathroom Baritones, Bathing Beauties
Check out the text at the bottom: Compliments of your American Standard plumbing contractor. The job description of a plumber apparently used to included serenading clients. Those were the days.

10 Merrill Womach - Happy Again
Like the Handless Organist, this is another person overcoming physical disabilities through faith and being mocked in return. Poor Merrill Womach, first his parents give him that awful name, then he loses the job at Chernobyl, but hey, he's happy again, and I say more power to him.

Part 2