not a movie review: incubus

I've written a couple of movie non-reviews, and I've written about my fondness for really bad movies. The movies I've talked about here have been good movies that I recommended. So I thought I'd talk about a bad movie, and then recommend that, too, just in case any of my readers also enjoy watching a wretched film and making fun of it. Today's movie is Incubus.

To sum up: Marc is a war hero who is now living on a farm with his sister. The farm is near a well said to have rejuvenating powers. It's not so much a fountain of healing but a fountain of making you slightly prettier. As a result, lots of vain sinners come to the well and so some succubi hang out there to tempt them with nakedness and take their souls. But then a particularly ambitious succubus sets her sights on Marc, who is a good guy. The other succubus warns her to stay away from war heroes and other holy types, but she doesn't listen. A skirmish in the battle of good versus evil ensues.

So while this movie sounds kinda stupid or maybe it sounds like it could have potential with the right script, let me add two things into the mix.

1. It stars a young William Shatner.
2. It's entirely in Esperanto.

For those of you who do not know about Esperanto, allow me to explain. A long time ago, a ophthalmologist thought it would be a great idea if there were a universal language. So you know, we could all speak to each other instead of having to rely on third-party translators. They invented Esperanto. While it's a pretty good idea, it won't work if the language doesn't catch on, and that's what happened. Esperanto is a great idea that failed. It's like Communism, but without all the association of killing and stuff.

This movie does have one thing going for it, and that's the cinematography. The guy responsible for that later went on to be responsible for some actually good movies, like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid and America Beauty. So there are lots of really interesting shots in Incubus. One particularly beautiful scene is shot from inside a dark house. All you can see is what's outside the window, where Shatner is walking around in some waving wheat. There are gorgeous shots like that throughout. But it's not enough to save the movie from itself. You can have a great cinematogrpaher, but you'll probabably want a decent screenwriter and director, too.

Despite the surreal mix of Esperanto and Captain Kirk, in the end, Incubus is just a bad movie, with all the classic bad movie elements. The script is poorly-written and unnatural (could be due to translation), the plot is confusing, there are scenes that are pointless, and really the only redeeming character in the movie, Shatner's sister, comes to a miserable end. You spend several minutes watching people just walk around without talking, which surely could have been edited. Later you're not even sure if someone was raped or not, but at least you know how many oak trees they walked by!

Some of the scenes are just laughable. At the end, the succubus wrestles a goat for her soul. I know, I know, it's symbolism. But it's still a goat - a big, black billy goat, likely gruff. My dad has a pet goat that looks similar. It's just hard to take the scene seriously. Will she save her soul? Will she escape the evil clutches of her former master? Will the devil begin nibbling on her robe?

I think the funniest part, though, is all the scenes where people are looking for Shatner. First his sister is looking for him, then the succubus, then the sister again. They're all calling out to him, using his Esperanto name.

"Marco!"

"Marco!"

"Marco!"

And so Josh and I answered, every time, "Polo!" Wikipedia doesn't know how old the swimming pool game is, and so it could be just an unfortunate coincidence that these scenes so hilariously resemble a water tag game. But you can't watch the scene without thinking about summers in the community pool.

If you don't enjoy watching really awful movies, then don't watch this one. You'll get bored and frustrated. However, if your idea of a good time consists of making joke after joke at the expense of a terrible piece of film-making, then here's your Saturday night. Polo!