husqVARNA!

It was time to buy a chainsaw.

A couple of years ago, a tree fell in our yard. It missed the deck by about an inch. Josh said he'd chop it up and we'd get some free firewood. Because when you live at the mercy of trees, the best you can do is pray that they don't hit anything and then enjoy burning them in retaliation when they do. I sent an email to my brother, who is my official tool expert, asking about axes. He recommended that I get a gas-powered axe made by Husqvarna.

Josh said no, real men uses axes. I said whatever, bought the ax, and let him do the work.

A month ago, a tree fell on two other trees. The combined trees, a mighty woody force, fell on Josh's car. They also fell all over the driveway and onto some smaller decorative trees that actually fared much worse than the Toyota. A neighbor walking by offered to let us borrow a chainsaw. In fact, lots of neighbors stopped at the bottom of our driveway to marvel at nature. Some of them offered help, others offered unhelpful commentary like "That's a big tree." Undoubtedly, they all considered why the lot of us are stupid enough to live around all these leafy monsters.

Josh said that he would chop it up. And he probably would have, except that it was really hot outside, and he had to work a lot of hours, and did I mention that it was hot? Record-breaking temperatures. Real men stay inside in the conditioned air.

I told him about the friendly neighbor with the chainsaw. Shrug. I said, I will buy you a chainsaw. He said he didn't want one, because . I said that while I respected his silly-illogical-real-macho-reasoning, dear, but the task will never get done this way. LET ME BUY YOU A CHAINSAW. Seriously? Most men would love to have some nice woman offer to buy them a chainsaw.

I sent an email to my brother, who still recommends Husqvarna. I looked up chainsaws online, sighed at the price, then cheered myself by saying "HusqVARNA!"

We went to Lowes on a Monday afternoon. We'd gone to the post office earlier, because they used to have Lowes coupons in their change-of-address packets. This is very dishonest. You should never take a change-of-address packet unless you are moving. You should not go to the post office for free coupons just because chainsaws are $300. Do not do this. For one thing, the coupons aren't even there anymore.

Being thwarted at the post office prepared us for our next thwarting at Lowes. They had two Husqvarnas, but not the size we needed. I pouted, and consoled myself by saying I would now have time to order Lowes coupons off eBay, possibly sold by unscrupulous persons who live near post offices that still give away coupons. I said "HusqVARNA!" some more.

Tuesday afternoon, I drove up the driveway after work, and I noticed that the tree situation had been taken care of. I could tell that whoever had done it had used a chainsaw. It probably made him feel powerful, like a real man.

The thing is, Josh didn't do it. There was no note, no nothing. Someone happened along and chopped up our tree. Maybe the person who owns the vacant lot where the tree used to grow, maybe some neighbor who felt a little sorry for our pathetic attempts at home maintenance. I wish I knew who it was, so I could bake them some cookies. So now we have lots of free firewood, and still no chainsaw. Maybe next time.