pure and sparkling.

Everyone at Summer Ventures (a.k.a "Nerd Camp") took the Purity Test. We all took it, we all knew our scores, the scores of our closest friends, the score of whatever boy we had a crush on. The Purity Test dealt mainly with sexual purity, though it asked questions about criminal activity, drugs, and eating veal (not kidding). The questions varied from "Have you ever said a curse word?" to "Have you ever licked someone's eyeball?" to "Have you ever had sex with an animal belonging to a member of your family in a moving vehicle in exchange for cocaine?" Okay, I made that last one up, though some of the questions did vaguely remind me of the form you have to fill out to give blood. I actually learned some new terms - the rule of the Purity Test was that if you didn't know what it was, you probably hadn't done it. I remember the day we all took it in the computer lab in the student union. From 4pm to 5pm every day, we were required to be out of the dorms, I suppose to encourage physical activity. We solved this problem by going to the computer lab.

So, the Purity Test. It was an online quiz on a website called The Spark, which also makes abridgements of classic novels so that high school students can get pass English with only a minimal of thinking. There were a hundred questions, each of them asking whether or not you had done something. For everything you hadn't done, you got a purity point. So your score out of a hundred was a percentage of how pure you were. We were mostly middle-class high school kids who were good at science and math, so you can imagine that we were mostly pure. But there were people on either end of the spectrum.

Sharon was a bubbly girl who couldn't decide if she loved Jesus or mortal men more. Had we gone to high school together, we probably would not have hung out. She was too pretty, too popular, too cheerleadery, and I was too straight-laced and too sarcastic. Sharon had been around the block a few times. I think the block had to be repaved because of her. I remember the day she took the Purity Test, with the rest of us girls standing behind her, giggling, and watching her answers, getting a vicarious thrill at being so close with someone so experienced. Her score was a 45. Then later that day, she came to me and confessed that she had lied on the test because we were all standing there, so she had gone and retaken it and gotten a 34.

Then there was Steven, who was stiff and square and wore argyle sweaters and golf caps. His idea of a good time was to grow a tree close to a property line so your neighbor would cut it down, and then you could sue him. Steven got a 94 on the Purity Test. I'm not sure how that was even possible. I've tried to figure out the six things he had done, like swear, hold hands, had a dirty dream, said he hated someone, touched himself, and cheated on a test (not all at the same time, though). I dunno, maybe he'd never eaten veal.

I got a 71 on the Purity Test. Then I had to go back and retake it, because it turns out that I had done one of the things that I did not know the slang term for. So I was at a 70. I felt pretty good about this score. Most people I knew scored in the 70s, so mine was still in the acceptable range while still being a little dirty and exciting and mysterious. Of course, I was comparing myself with kids who went to science camp.

This past weekend, I tried to go back and take the Purity Test. It's been seven years since I first took it, and I know that my score has flown a little south. There are a lot of purity tests out there, some of them mind-numbingly long and filled with questions about completely disgraceful acts, but The Spark does not seem to have a purity test any longer. I'm a little disappointed. I have fond memories of that summer and that ridiculous test. I wonder what Sharon and Steven would score now. Sharon's score couldn't have fallen much lower; maybe she decided to love Jesus and it hasn't fallen at all. I highly doubt that Steven's is the same - he's probably down to at least a 91 by now. Maybe a 90 if he's eaten veal.