all my friends are bad album covers, part 5.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

41. Mike Adkinds - Thank You For The Dove
Surprisingly enough, this is not a religious album at all. Mike Adkinds just received a pet dove from his wife for his birthday, and he really, really liked it. After this album, his wife made an album herself and called it "You're Welcome!" The Adkinds are kinda weird, but are very happy together.

42. Alla Pugatjova - Superman Every Night and Every Day
Unattractive people - check
Weird clothes - check
Bizarre setting - check
Strange and upsetting sexual undertones - check
Congratulations Ms Pugatjova, you have made a terrible album cover. Bonus points for the inexplicable presence of a go-kart.

43. The Best of the Singing Postman
I know it's the time you would expect,
but I just don't have your welfare check.
I'm just the singing postman,
It's not my fault.

I'm afraid you'll just have to wait,
so stop complaining about the unemployment rate.
I'm just the singing postman,
It's not my fault.

To avoid this financial thicket,
lay off the booze, resist the lottery ticket.
I'm just the singing postman,
It's not my fault.


44. Country Church
This one is just really all about the outfits. They are the very essence of this album cover's badness. In fact, they are actually confusing to me, because I just can't figure out what sort of look they were going for. The woman is wearing a costume she borrowed from the local high school after their production of Oklahoma!, and that's fine, but what are the men wearing? Checkered polyester pants, slate blue turtlenecks, and tank tops? Is that country? Which country is that?

45. Freddie Gage - All My Friends Are Dead
Congratulations, Mr. Gage, I can't think of a single funny thing to say about your stupid album cover because it's so completely depressing. I think I might quit blogging altogether and switch to just eating a lot of Edy's ice cream that isn't even on sale. Thanks a lot, Mr. Gage. I hope you're happy. No, wait, you're not, because all your friends are dead.

46. Happy Louie, Julgia, and The Boys - Lots of Love and Peace
The lettering on this album cover was done by Happy Louie's teenaged daughter, Happy Lynette. Block lettering is very important to teenaged girls, and being able to do it well is a coveted skill, sort of like long-distance spitting with boys. The lettering was supposed to be done in a nice, traditional polka font, but Happy Lynette convinced her father that he shouldn't be such a square. The results are for the ages.

47. Mike Terry Live at the Pavilion Theatre in Glasgow
From the days when Glasgow was trying to become the next Vegas, this was their answer to Liberace.

48. Moscow Nights - Popular Russian Hits
You know, if only we'd known that the Russians could be such a group of swinging hep cats, we wouldn't have had so much trouble. Who wants to have a Cold War when you can have a cold one with a lovely lady of Leningrad?

49. Foster Edwards' Orchestra - What's Next?
Indeed, what is next? This is a great idea, executed poorly. Elephants playing instruments - gold. Lame ballroom and dude in tuxedo - cheesy. Take the weird hats off the elephants, get rid of the guy, put the pachyderms in someone's garage and I think there's real potential for a great-looking album here. Also, fix the letters at the bottom so they don't look like those stickers you buy at Wal-Mart to put your last name on your mail box.

50. Ken by request only
You know, I would have expected Ned Flanders to make a gospel record, but I guess this is what he does under the clever pseudonym "Ken." I'm charmed about the "by request only" part, though I suspect that no one has ever requested a song from this man. He probably just called someone and asked them to name twelve songs off the top of their head.

And that's the end folks. Big sigh of relief, all together. Back to your regularly schedule not-blogging next week.

understand your'e bad album cover, part 4.

Only twenty more to go, and then I'll go back to talking about nothing or just not blogging at all. Then you'll wish there were more album covers.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

31. Joyce
A lot of these record covers have a very clear line where they cross over from regular bad to extraordinarily bad. I think the line here is the rose. With that single red rose, Joyce goes from your elementary school librarian to your elementary school librarian who never had another serious relationship after Fred Rogers broke it off. She offers you a song and this rose and we know that she is really offering Joyce. Please be gentle.

32. ET - Best Friends
When ET made this album cover, he would laugh at the ridiculous outfits he wore in the 70s while thanking his lucky stars that his seashell pants would never go out of style.

33. Ali and His Gang Vs. Mr. Tooth Decay
This album also features Frank Sinatura and Howard Cosell. I bet that I could make a bunch of money teaching finance courses to the rich and famous. There would be only one class in the course, for which I would charge $500 a seat. I would hold up this album and say, "People, don't immediately piss all your money away, and you won't have to do projects like this." Then I would just walk out and invest my earnings wisely. Or buy a yacht.

34. The Electric Amish - A Hard Day's Work
Whoever compiled this list is starting to piss me off. This album cover is fine. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. I did learn that The Electric Amish is a parody band that takes pop songs and covers them from the Amish perspective. Weird Al did this with one song ("Amish Paradise"), but these people have done three albums worth (and they released their first album before Weird Al released his song). I might say that perhaps they are overdoing this schtick, but then I read the song titled "I Want to Dress in Black and White (And Work Real Hard All Day)" and had to laugh. But seriously, someone ought to send an apology to The Electric Amish for including them on this list.

35. Jonah Jones - I Dig Chicks!
Jonah Jones digs chicks right out of the ground, where he grows them for fun and profit! Isn't it funny how sexism can seem fun and campy when it happened in the 50s? Makes one wonder how our children will look upon "Baby Got Back."

36. John Bult - Julie's Sixteenth Birthday
While many of these albums are really not that bad (and some of them aren't bad at all), this is a truly awful album cover. It screams out "teenage pregnancy." Did no one happen to, you know, look at it before releasing it into the wild? Shame on you, John Bult, shame on you.

37. Anchors Away! With Captain Hook and His Pirate Crew
You know, unlike most of these records, someone actually made a lot of money off of this album: the therapist for those children. My parents did a lot of scarring things to me in my youth, but never anything as bad as this.

38. Gary Dee Bradford - Sings for You and You and You
But not you. Gary Dee Bradford told me that he does not like you and he will never, ever, under any circumstances sing for you.

39. Jerry Riley - A Rainbow in Air
Jerry Riley seems to have some weird ideas about God, namely that He looks like Phil Collins. Honestly, I'd always pictured God in the more traditional old man with flowing beard way, but I don't want to say that He can't look like Phil Collins. Although, if I were omnipotent, I would most definitely not look like Phil.

40. Jimmy Jenson - Understand Your'e Swede
None of the possible translations of the word "your'e" make any sense. Is it meant to be possessive, meaning that you own a person of Swedish descent and that you must understand him/her? Or it could be the contraction, meaning that it's high time that you got over the fact that you're from Sweden, so you might as start understanding all that entails. Adding confusion is the fact that in Britain, the word "swede" can mean rutabaga! So if you either are or own a Swedish person or a rutabaga, then I guess this album is for you.

I really like the artwork though, what with the pencil drawings and the subtle coloring. Also, in Sweden, lumberjacks apparently wear argyle, which I think is much nicer than plaid. They also have hot wives.

bad album covers and more bad album covers, part 3.

You're not sick of this yet, right?
Part 1
Part 2

21. Chicken Coupe de Ville
I went to high school with that guy. Okay, that statement is not strictly true, but the essence of the statement is true in that I went to high school with guys that could have been that guy, had they had the ambition to release an album and (sort of) learn some French.

22. Music for Dreaming
Picture this: giant women lying in the snow while all the Whos in Whoville sing them to sleep to keep them from making snow angels and destroying the whole town. It's kind of a concept album.

23. Wayne & Charlie - Rapping Dummy
When I was in the fifth grade, a puppet act came to our school to talk about drugs and STDs. Wayne & Charlie sort of remind me of that, because it looks like an act that is trying to send a message to the kids via youth culture, made by people who don't actually understand youth culture.

24. Steve Warren - Reflection
Actually, another Steve Warren album ("Introspection") was on this list, the cover of which featured Steve Warren's insides. It was cut from the list when they found this one. It was unanimously decided that two Steve Warrens were worse than one.

25. The McKeithen's
This one is very ordinary really, and you might pass it by completely because there are probably millions of albums with seventies family photos on the covers. But then you start to looking at Mama McKeithen's hair. I guess that was a style at some point, but goodness me, what has she got hidden in that thing? Could my hair do that? Are the airports aware that terrorists could even now be sneaking bombs aboard planes in bouffants?

26. Slim Goodbody - The Inside Story
Slim Goodbody is an actual person who goes around teaching children about anatomy. Which is fine, really, I just think his clothes might be a leeeetle too tight to be doing a children's act. Slim is currently on his 30-state Bodyology tour. I'm not even making that up. Considering he's been doing this since 1975, I wonder if he's had to have the body suit altered as he's aged.

27. "Happiness" with Ron Johnson
This album cover is terrifying. You know why? Because of the quotation marks around "Happiness." It's the scariest punctuation to ever have existed, even scarier than the periods in The Tell-Tale Heart. I don't know what "happiness" means to Ron Johnson, but it really can't be good.

28. Dickie Harrell - Drums and More Drums
Upon first viewing, I failed to notice that there were actually a lot of drums in the room, and so wanted to rename the album "Arms and More Arms." But I do like text at the top - "uninhibited drum rhythms!" - which the producers put up there to differentiate this album from all those other stupid albums which totally inhibit their drum rhythms.

29. Norberto de Freitas
Several of the classic Japanese Godzilla movies include an extended scene in which one or two drunks is surprised by Godzilla. You don't know why the scene is in any of the movies, much less multiple ones. You get the feeling it's funny in Japan, but you don't understand the humor because you lack some sort of basic understanding about the culture. Looking at this album cover is sort of like that. Except I start to get the feeling that whatever joke this album cover is doing isn't really that funny anywhere.

30. Tommy Seebach - Disco Tango
Yes, I get it. It's funny because Tommy Seebach is all 70s and the 70s were dumb and ha-ha, the 70s. But to make fun of this album cover implies that we have learned from the mistakes of Disco Tango. We have not, because we made the same mistakes in the 80s and the 90s and we're making them even now. Fashion is always ridiculous in hindsight. Tommy Seebach was just a victim of the times. The boys now make fun of poor Tommy as they head out to the club in their eyeliner and women's pants.

bad album covers with a new accent, part 2.

Now to continue our foray into the cheesy, the offensive, the poorly-thought-out: awful album covers.
Part 1

11. Trucker's Dream
So apparently, the trucker's dream is five guys in matching costumes which make them look like they might be performing in a musical version of Cops. I guess I had truckers all wrong then. Huh.

12. Skidrow Joe - Joe Bravo y su orquesta
I contend that this is actually an interesting album cover. If Bob Dylan had made it, it would be iconic. Leave poor Skidrow Joe alone. Clearly, he has enough problems. Although, I am confused about the words on this cover. Is Skidrow Joe the same person as Joe Bravo? Yes, I live on Skid Row, but that doesn't mean I can't be fabulous!

13. The Braillettes - Our Hearts Keep Singing
This album cover was almost sabotaged by a rival girl group, the Helen Kellers, who snuck in and switched the Braillettes' outfits with matching chicken suits. Luckily, the Braillettes' manager caught the the girls right before the photographer started shooting (the photographer had worked on many album covers in the past and so didn't think anything of it). By the way, the Helen Kellers' album did not sell well, though many touted it for being ahead of its time. In fact, Yoko Ono cites it as her favorite album.

14. "My Turtle's Dead" An Hysterical Evening with Weela Gallez
Poor Weela Gallez. She tried as hard as she could, even borrowing a monkey and changing her name from Jane Porter, to make an interesting album cover, and the only thing that I can think about is the fact that she's using the article "an" before a word starting with a consonant. Does she not pronounce the 'H' in "hysterical"? Or maybe that's a joke, in which case, I think I've severely underestimated the subtlely of Ms. Gallez's 'umor.

15. Don & Seymour
Again with the anti-puppet sentiment. I think this looks like good, clean, wholesome fun, although I do wonder how to work the puppet and play the guitar at the same time. Does the puppet make the chords and stuff? With his face? That might have been what kept Don & Seymour from hitting the big time. Or maybe that's why it's an audio act - during the actual performance, the sock just sits on the floor while Don talks to himself.

16. Manfred sings: Love songs with a new accent
The key phrase here is "with a new accent." I think Manfred must have re-recorded this album five or six times, each time "with a new accent." His mom bought every single one, but she thinks the Hungarian one is best.

17. Expose Yourself to Cajun Music and Johnny Janot
Rather than mock this tasteless attempt at humor, I think we should all say a fervant little thank you that Johnny Janot is not facing us directly. Yes, this album cover is bad, but it could be a whole lot worse. There's always a silver lining, people.

18. Little David Wilkins - King of all the Taverns
I feel like this guy has gotten really good at self-deprecating humor. You know, when people make the preemptive strike of making fun of themselves so that other people can't do it? He probably starts off his act talking about the irony of the word "Little" in his name. Well, Little David Wilkins, it worked, because I just don't have the heart to mock you now.

19. Rick McKnight - Free Indeed!
This isn't so bad. I mean, it's just this really happy guy who is out dancing in a field while his dead twin brother looks on from heaven. Free indeed, free indeed, thank God Almighty, I'm free indeed!

20. Organ and Firelight: Hal Shutz at the Hammond Chord Organ
Finally, a record to put on when you're sitting in front of the fire with your special lady. After listening to the artistic stylings of Hal Shutz on the Hammond Organ, she'll be in the mood for love.

bad album covers, now with commentary, part 1.

I've seen lists like this before on various web sites. Ten awful album covers and commentary that is sometimes witty and sometimes not. I find that with this list, I miss the commentary, because it means I have to come up with my own jokes. Even bad jokes are better than thinking in my free time. Then I thought of all the people in the world who aren't funny at all, and how they're struggling right now to think of something funny to say, but all they've got is, "Uh, wow, I mean, that guy's dumb and uh, his hair is really seventies looking. Huh-huh." So here is some commentary, so that the humor-impaired among you can rest your poor unfunny brain. Note that I don't guarantee any of this is funny, but again, it's better than thinking in your free time.

I didn't make this list, and so I'm not responsible for the selection. It doesn't seem to be in any particular order. I will also state that some of these album covers aren't that bad. I mean, they're bad, but it's more of a normal, run-of-the-mill bad as opposed to eye-gougingly bad. In fact, I would like to submit my own entry. I don't have the album cover, because it was one of my ex-boyfriend's and it hardly seems appropriate to ask for it now. But you don't need the cover, only the title: Don Raper's Songs for Women.

There are 50 in this list, so I'll be doing this in installments because most of you probably cannot handle that much cheese. If you're feeling brave (and if the link still works), you can check out the full list.

One last disclaimer: a bad album cover does not necessarily mean a crappy album. But it probably does. Let's begin!

1. Cody Matherson - "Can I Borrow A Feelin?"
Is he asking to borrow one of my emotions or simply to grope me? Looking at ole Cody here, it seems apparent that he made this album for his little wife, Doreen, as a wedding/prom present. Doreen's a lucky lady, and whenever Cody asks if he can borrow a feelin', she says yes.

2. The Many Facets of Roger
It's really too bad that some of Roger's many (i.e. six) facets didn't include shirts which buttoned up all the way. Also, I charge that Facets 3, 4, and 6 (starting at top left corner and going clockwise here) are all saying "Aw, honey, you know you love you some Roger!" Facet 1 would like you to repeat what you just said because he didn't quite catch it, while Facet 5 seems to be wondering what that spot is on the carpet. Facet 2 demands that you take Roger seriously as an artist.

3. Orion Reborn
I think the worst poor decision in the making of this cover (and there were many) was to have one color for the shirt, pants, and background. I suspect it's the exact shade of blue that is used to project the weather map on the background screen for the six o' clock news. Maybe Orion knew a guy at the local TV station and asked to borrow the set for this photo shoot. Then he brought this excellent mask that he bought during his Mardi Gras vacation...in Boise.

4. The Frivolous Five - Sour Cream & Other Delights
"Look at all this sour cream going to waste! And we didn't even buy it on sale! We're so frivolous!" Seriously, I'm totally okay with this one, even though the one in the middle back sort of reminds me of my late Aunt Sally. Some old women wear purple, others wear dairy products. However, given the age of these ladies, I do wonder if maybe this record isn't just a bunch of recipes set to music.

5. Harry and Terry - Live
This list features multiple ventriloquism records, and apparently we're to understand that puppets are silly and tacky and loserly. I do not understand that, and I think puppets are silly in a good way, awesome, and super cool. I do wish that this particular puppet (not sure if it's Harry or Terry) didn't look quite so drunk. Also, let's take a moment and ponder whether a puppet act works on a solely audio medium. It worked for Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy, but then again they were talented and had W.C. Fields to crack jokes on. I fear Harry and Terry are not so lucky.

6. The Handless Organist - Truly a Miracle of God
For a minute, I thought this one was just on the list because it was so old-looking. I misread it as "Handel's Organist" and figured she was playing "The Messiah" or something. Then I did a classic double-take and realized that this woman has no hands. And of course I felt bad for her, showing up on this mean list when she looks so happy and she can play the organ. I can't do that, and I have hands. Marvelous, wonderful hands that I do not thank enough for all they do for me. Thank you, hands!

7. The Stanley Johnson Orchestra - Have Harp Can't Travel
I sorta like this one, though my official opinion depends on whether the actual harpist in the Stanley Johnson Orchestra is a midget or if they're just making fun of midgets. The first idea is actually pretty neat, while the second is overdone. Yeah, ha ha, midgets, they're really short. Next, please.

8. Les Baxter - Space Escapade
Alien women were a big thing in bad movies during a particular time period, I guess comparable to the island of lonely Amazons of Greek epics. I've seen several of this sort of movie, and so maybe I'm becoming immune to it, because this album cover doesn't seem all that bad to me. Cheesy and dated, yes, but so will many things seem in fifty years. I like that the alien women have slinkies on their heads, perhaps signifying that they too go down stairs, alone or in pairs.

9. Music for Bathroom Baritones, Bathing Beauties
Check out the text at the bottom: Compliments of your American Standard plumbing contractor. The job description of a plumber apparently used to included serenading clients. Those were the days.

10 Merrill Womach - Happy Again
Like the Handless Organist, this is another person overcoming physical disabilities through faith and being mocked in return. Poor Merrill Womach, first his parents give him that awful name, then he loses the job at Chernobyl, but hey, he's happy again, and I say more power to him.

Part 2

robbing from the poor.

Some people think that it is unethical to shop at thrift stores if you are not poor, as if the items at Goodwill were reserved for those with low income. This entry is not for them, but for the rest of you, in case you ever run into someone who has such an attitude. You can then educate them about why you make the choice to buy used.

Honestly, I think it's a bit odd that there is such a stigma attached to buying used clothes or housewares. No one looks askance at you if you buy a used car. And surely poor people do buy used cars. At what price tag does being smart and thrifty become being cheap and unethical?

You may not convince anyone. A lot of the problem is that people don't want to be thought of as poor. They would rather overpay then have someone think that they are in financial trouble. And so you may have the better argument, but the other person can't get over their hangups. That's fine. It's not your job to change everyone, but it's worth your time to at least show them the other side of things.

There are lots of responses. First, the slightly-heartless response: The poor people had just as much opportunity to buy the $4 pair of jeans that I did. There was nothing keeping them from it and my financial situation gave me no advantages to finding and purchasing the jeans. If a poor person were to come in the store after I purchased the jeans, they would likely be able to find another pair just fine. A thrift store is not like a soup kitchen. I've never gone to a Goodwill and seen them be completely out of jeans.

Next, the very trendy Green response. Everyone agrees with that whole Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle thing they started teaching when we figured out we had limited resources. Buying used is reusing. If something is still in usable condition, then use it. The less we buy new, the less companies will make, and the less that will end up in a landfill.

Finally, here's the response that I think is most compelling. Nearly all thrift stores are non-profits, and their proceeds go to charity programs. The Salvation Army provides disaster relief, free drug and alcohol rehab, and youth programs. Goodwill trains disabled people for jobs so that they can become self-sufficient, contributing members of society. There are probably thousands of non-chain thrift stores that do charity work on a local level. By shopping at these thrift stores, you are supporting their causes. You are enabling the store itself to stay in business, as well as contributing to their various programs. Buying your Levi's new isn't helping anyone except Levi stockholders. Compared to those guys, I am poor.

So there. I am not cheap, but socially and environmentally responsible. You can always suggest that the other person buy their jeans at Goodwill and then take the price difference and donate that to charity. We'll see how they like that suggestion.

who is john kerry?

I was thinking about John Kerry the other day, and it made me feel very old. I suppose it's nothing specific to him. It's everything that has been in the news while I've been alive to remember it.

When I was little, I would watch Jeopardy with my mom and think she must be about the smartest person in the world, aside from my dad, who was a scientist. She knew all the answers, even when those silly people on the program didn't know them. I was awed by her knowledge of history in particular, and her ability to remember a bunch of obscure names that were the headings of only one-column entries in the encyclopedia.

But then I was thinking about John Kerry, and about how in 30 years or so, he will come up on Jeopardy as one of the harder questions. By then, he'll be a mostly-forgotten senator who ran for president and lost. The clue will probably mention that he was a Vietnam veteran. And then I'll know the answer, because I remember old John Kerry, and my children will be agog. They will think that I am the smartest mother ever. And it won't be because I'm smart, just that I'm old
enough to have been there and remember it. They'll ask me how I knew it, and I could try and explain about the good ole days back in the early 2000s, but they'll have stopped listening by then, the rotten ingrates.

I don't wish to say that my mother was never smart and only incredibly old. She's still really smart and only kinda old.

all the good ones are taken.

I haul myself out of the dumpster and start taking inventory. A nice towel, a desk fan, a couple of plastic cups. Nothing too exciting, but then again, not bad for free stuff. College kids are so wasteful that it makes me angry, except that it also provides me with lots of linens, kitchenware, and office supplies. I pack up the smaller items in the towel hobo style, then walk around to the long end of the
dumpster to start gathering the items Josh threw over the side. He's still hidden inside, poking through bags of actual trash and non-trash.

"Anything good?" asks an unfamiliar voice. I turn around to see a guy walking towards us from one of the dorms nearby.

"Not too bad," I answer, wondering if this dude actually is a diver. He climbs up the side and looks in as Josh stands up amid the discarded term papers and takeout boxes.

"Nah," the stranger says as he hops down and walks away quickly. Josh climbs out and smiles at me.

"He didn't have what it takes."

"Nope."

"He sure liked you, though."

Maybe so. Guys do stupid things for girls, but do they jump into dumpsters? If he hadn't caught sight of my boyfriend just then, would that dude have soiled his shoes in the discarded pizzas of others? I suppose I have someone that just jumped into a dumpster with me, but I suspect he would have done that anyway. Josh starts laughing.

"That poor guy."

"Yeah, he must be pretty desperate. I look terrible." I'm wearing ratty clothes and the grime and sweat of a Sunday afternoon. I haven't washed my hair all weekend.

"And you just got out of a dumpster. Maybe since it's the end of the school year he's worried because he hasn't gotten a girl yet."

I'm not sure how I feel about my own boyfriend laughing at another dude for wanting to get to know me better, but I have to admit it's pretty hilarious. I laugh, too, wondering if the poor guy walked away thinking that all the good ones are taken.

not a movie review: incubus

I've written a couple of movie non-reviews, and I've written about my fondness for really bad movies. The movies I've talked about here have been good movies that I recommended. So I thought I'd talk about a bad movie, and then recommend that, too, just in case any of my readers also enjoy watching a wretched film and making fun of it. Today's movie is Incubus.

To sum up: Marc is a war hero who is now living on a farm with his sister. The farm is near a well said to have rejuvenating powers. It's not so much a fountain of healing but a fountain of making you slightly prettier. As a result, lots of vain sinners come to the well and so some succubi hang out there to tempt them with nakedness and take their souls. But then a particularly ambitious succubus sets her sights on Marc, who is a good guy. The other succubus warns her to stay away from war heroes and other holy types, but she doesn't listen. A skirmish in the battle of good versus evil ensues.

So while this movie sounds kinda stupid or maybe it sounds like it could have potential with the right script, let me add two things into the mix.

1. It stars a young William Shatner.
2. It's entirely in Esperanto.

For those of you who do not know about Esperanto, allow me to explain. A long time ago, a ophthalmologist thought it would be a great idea if there were a universal language. So you know, we could all speak to each other instead of having to rely on third-party translators. They invented Esperanto. While it's a pretty good idea, it won't work if the language doesn't catch on, and that's what happened. Esperanto is a great idea that failed. It's like Communism, but without all the association of killing and stuff.

This movie does have one thing going for it, and that's the cinematography. The guy responsible for that later went on to be responsible for some actually good movies, like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid and America Beauty. So there are lots of really interesting shots in Incubus. One particularly beautiful scene is shot from inside a dark house. All you can see is what's outside the window, where Shatner is walking around in some waving wheat. There are gorgeous shots like that throughout. But it's not enough to save the movie from itself. You can have a great cinematogrpaher, but you'll probabably want a decent screenwriter and director, too.

Despite the surreal mix of Esperanto and Captain Kirk, in the end, Incubus is just a bad movie, with all the classic bad movie elements. The script is poorly-written and unnatural (could be due to translation), the plot is confusing, there are scenes that are pointless, and really the only redeeming character in the movie, Shatner's sister, comes to a miserable end. You spend several minutes watching people just walk around without talking, which surely could have been edited. Later you're not even sure if someone was raped or not, but at least you know how many oak trees they walked by!

Some of the scenes are just laughable. At the end, the succubus wrestles a goat for her soul. I know, I know, it's symbolism. But it's still a goat - a big, black billy goat, likely gruff. My dad has a pet goat that looks similar. It's just hard to take the scene seriously. Will she save her soul? Will she escape the evil clutches of her former master? Will the devil begin nibbling on her robe?

I think the funniest part, though, is all the scenes where people are looking for Shatner. First his sister is looking for him, then the succubus, then the sister again. They're all calling out to him, using his Esperanto name.

"Marco!"

"Marco!"

"Marco!"

And so Josh and I answered, every time, "Polo!" Wikipedia doesn't know how old the swimming pool game is, and so it could be just an unfortunate coincidence that these scenes so hilariously resemble a water tag game. But you can't watch the scene without thinking about summers in the community pool.

If you don't enjoy watching really awful movies, then don't watch this one. You'll get bored and frustrated. However, if your idea of a good time consists of making joke after joke at the expense of a terrible piece of film-making, then here's your Saturday night. Polo!